Post by Mad Marty on Aug 28, 2006 23:43:18 GMT -6
The Texas Chili Cook-Off !
Apparently this is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas...
Note: Please take your time to read this slowly...
If you pay attention to the first two judges the reaction of the third judge it's even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas you know how true this is!
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around...
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park...
Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: Recently... I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment...
And I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck...
When the call came in I was buttocksured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy...
Besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting so I accepted and became Judge #3...
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato but Amusing kick
Judge #2 - Nice smooth tomato flavor Very mild
Judge #3 (Frank) - Holy crap what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway took me two beers to put the flames out I hope that's the worst one!
These Texans are crazy!!!!
CHILI #2 - ARIAL AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge #1 - Smoky with a hint of pork Slight jalapeno tang
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken
seriously
Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children!
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver!
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face!
CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili Great kick
Judge #2 - A bit salty good use of peppers
Judge #3 - Call the EPA!!!
I've located a uranium spill and my nose feels like I have been snorting Drano every one knows the routine by now!
Get me more beer before I ignite barmaid pounded me on the back and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest!
I'm getting @!&&-faced from all of the beer!
CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice Disappointing
Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans good side dish for fish
or other mild foods not much of a chili
Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue but was
unable to taste it... Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally the beer maid was standing behind me with fresh refills this 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge #1 - Meaty strong chili cayenne peppers freshly ground
adding considerable kick very impressive
Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef could use more tomato must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement
Judge #3 - My ears are ringing and sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes!
I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics!
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage!
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher I wonder if I'm burning my lips off!
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming... Screw Them!
CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili good balance of
spices and peppers
Judge #2 - The best yet aggressive use of peppers onions and
garlic superb
Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames!
I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair!
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally!
Can't feel my lips anymore I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers
Judge #2 - Ho hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment
I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3...
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably!
Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a thing!
I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water!
My shirt is covered with chili which slid un-noticed out of my mouth!
My pants are full of lava to match my shirt!
At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me!
I've decided to stop breathing because It's just too painful!
Screw it I'm not getting any oxygen anyway If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach!
CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge #1 - The perfect ending this is a nice blend chili not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good balanced chili neither mild
nor hot
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted pbuttocksed out then fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself!
Not sure if he's going to make it... poor feller I wonder how he'd have reacted to some really hot chili?
Judge #3 - No Report...
Just Too Funny... LMAOAROTF!
Marty
Apparently this is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas...
Note: Please take your time to read this slowly...
If you pay attention to the first two judges the reaction of the third judge it's even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas you know how true this is!
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around...
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park...
Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: Recently... I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment...
And I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck...
When the call came in I was buttocksured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy...
Besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting so I accepted and became Judge #3...
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato but Amusing kick
Judge #2 - Nice smooth tomato flavor Very mild
Judge #3 (Frank) - Holy crap what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway took me two beers to put the flames out I hope that's the worst one!
These Texans are crazy!!!!
CHILI #2 - ARIAL AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge #1 - Smoky with a hint of pork Slight jalapeno tang
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken
seriously
Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children!
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver!
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face!
CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili Great kick
Judge #2 - A bit salty good use of peppers
Judge #3 - Call the EPA!!!
I've located a uranium spill and my nose feels like I have been snorting Drano every one knows the routine by now!
Get me more beer before I ignite barmaid pounded me on the back and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest!
I'm getting @!&&-faced from all of the beer!
CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice Disappointing
Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans good side dish for fish
or other mild foods not much of a chili
Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue but was
unable to taste it... Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally the beer maid was standing behind me with fresh refills this 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge #1 - Meaty strong chili cayenne peppers freshly ground
adding considerable kick very impressive
Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef could use more tomato must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement
Judge #3 - My ears are ringing and sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes!
I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics!
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage!
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher I wonder if I'm burning my lips off!
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming... Screw Them!
CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili good balance of
spices and peppers
Judge #2 - The best yet aggressive use of peppers onions and
garlic superb
Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames!
I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair!
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally!
Can't feel my lips anymore I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers
Judge #2 - Ho hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment
I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3...
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably!
Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a thing!
I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water!
My shirt is covered with chili which slid un-noticed out of my mouth!
My pants are full of lava to match my shirt!
At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me!
I've decided to stop breathing because It's just too painful!
Screw it I'm not getting any oxygen anyway If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach!
CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge #1 - The perfect ending this is a nice blend chili not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good balanced chili neither mild
nor hot
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted pbuttocksed out then fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself!
Not sure if he's going to make it... poor feller I wonder how he'd have reacted to some really hot chili?
Judge #3 - No Report...
Just Too Funny... LMAOAROTF!
Marty
