jokes lets hear them

[nitroman]

post all your jokes here lets ee how long we can make this! i will start




A well dressed blonde walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.
>
>She said she's going to Europe on business for two week and needed to borrow $5,000.
>
> The bank officer said the bank would need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde handed over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
>
>The car was parked on the street in front of the bank, she had the title and everything checked out.
>
> The bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
>
> The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a
>$5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeded to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
>
>Two weeks later, the blonde returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41 . The loan officer said, "Miss, we
>are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
>
> While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzled us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
>
>The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"


Finally, a smart blonde joke !! Not true she is really a redhead!!!!!

[nitroman]

Subject: Cowboy boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and
>saw a cowboy with his feet propped
>up on a table. He had the biggest
>feet she'd ever seen.
>
>The woman asked the cowboy if it's
>true what they say about men with big feet.
>
>The cowboy grinned and said,
>"Shore is, little lady!
>Why don't you come on out to the
>bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
>
>The woman wanted to find out for herself,
>so she spent the night with him.
>
>The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
>
>Blushing, he said, "
>Well, thankee, ma'am
>. Ah'm real flattered.
>Ain't nobody ever paid me fer
>mah services before."
The woman replied,
>"Don't be flattered ...
>take the money and buy yourself
>some boots that fit."

[Twistedtrik]

why did the blonde snort nutrasweet?

she thought it was diet coke.

[nitroman]

lol, thats funny right there

[nitroman]

Things I've learned from living in Missouri.


Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.


There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Missouri.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Missouri, plus
a couple no one's seen before.

Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.


Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are
ripe.

If it grows, it sticks --if it crawls; it bites.


A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.


People actually grow and eat okra.


"Fixinto" is one word.


There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and then
there's supper.

Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals... and you start drinking it
when you're 2.


Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it
is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.


More about Missourians.... You know you're from Missouri if:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. You know what a mule is.

4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in
it, no matter what time of the year.

5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixinto go to the store.

6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect or animal.


7. You install security lights on your house and garage .... and leave
both of them unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.

9. You know what "cow tipping" is.

10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, B B Q and ketchup.

11. The local papers cover national and international news on one page
but requires 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

12. You think that the first day of deer season and the first day of
trout fishing are national holidays .

13. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

14. You know all four seasons: Almost summer -- Summer --

Still summer --, and Christmas.

15. You know whether another Missourian is from east, west, or middle
Missouri as soon as they open their mouth, or by the barbecue they eat.

16. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pass time (known as "goin
wal-martin" or off to "Wally World." )

17. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good
pinto-bean weather.

18. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.

19. You know what the phrase "Hunkered Down" means.

20. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from MO
and those who just wish they were.


"A true friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg
even though he knows you are slightly cracked."

[nitroman]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new
500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK
SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).

These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia,
Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia,
Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and
have been given the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.

[Hotrod]

that's funny

[nitroman]

yes i thought so too so i had to share!

[Hotrod]

Van Gogh's Family Tree
>
> His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------Verti Gogh
>
> The brother who ate prunes ---------------------------Gotta Gogh
>
> The brother who worked at a convenience store------Stop n Gogh
>
> The grandfather from Yugoslavia--------------------------U Gogh
>
> The cousin from Illinois------------------------------- Chica Gogh
>
> His magician uncle---------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
>
> His Mexican cousin---------------------------------- A mee Gogh
>
> The Mexican cousin's American half-brother---------- Gring Gogh
>
> The nephew who drove a stage coach--------------Wells-far Gogh
>
> The constipated uncle --------------------------------- Cant Gogh
>
> The ballroom dancing aunt----------------------------- Tang Gogh
>
> The bird lover uncle ----------------------------------Flamin Gogh
>
> His nephew psychoanalyst -------------------------------- E Gogh
>
> The fruit loving cousin----------------------------------Man Gogh
>
> An aunt who taught positive thinking---------------- Way-to Gogh
>
> The little bouncy nephew------------------------------- Poe Gogh
>
> A sister who loved disco-------------------------------- Go Gogh
>
> And his niece who travels the country in a van---Winnie Bay Gogh
.................... And there ya Gogh!

[nitroman]

rofl, thats pretty good!

[usa1man]

> > You know you're living in 2005 When ....
> >
> >
> > 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
> >
> > 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
> >
> > 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
> >
> > 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
> >
> > 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
> > that they don't have e-mail addresses.
> >
> > 6. You go home after a long day at work and you still answer the
> > phone in a businesslike manner.
> > 7. You make phone calls from home and you accidentally dial "9" to
> > get an outside line.
> > 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
> > different companies.
> >
> > 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
> >
> > 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
> >
> > 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
> > if anyone is home.
> >
> > 13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of
>the
> > screen.
> >
> > 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't
>have
> > the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
>panic
> > and you turn around to go and get it.
> >
> > 15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
> > coffee.
> >
> > 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
> > 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
> >
> > 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
> > this message.
> >
> > 19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
> >
> > 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
>on
> > this list.
> >
> > NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. LAUGHING AT
> > YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC

[nitroman]

now thats funny!

[Hotrod]

A young man goes to buy the best car on the market,
a brand new Ferrari GT, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and
asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half
a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does
it cost so much?" "

Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" he states proudly.

The old moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and
looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
"That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it,
and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160
mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and
suddenly Whoosh! something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my
Ferrari?" the young man asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on
the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he
gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he
looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors
the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The young man stops and jumps out, unbelievably the old man is still alive!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers...
"UNHOOK...MY...SUSPENDERS...FROM...YOUR...SIDE VIEW....MIRROR!"